The Toxic Environment
I remember how it would feel being in the house. I felt this shaky and unwelcoming feeling coming over me. I felt that I was monitored every single move that I was making. This constant walking on eggshells was making me sick. Yet for the longest time, I felt that it was my fault. The presence of negativity I was feeling was making me question if this is really a normal way to live. As soon as I would leave the house, I would feel that heavy feeling being lifted. I felt free and very happy to be away from there. I would find myself working over time, only to avoid going home. This feeling got stronger and stronger and he must have sensed it since he got more and more controlling. He would shout more and the look on his face was scarier. I knew I had to make a change. This is where I asked myself questions and started my journey of self-love. With time, I just could not live there anymore. I had to get out !
It is crazy how someone can actually mess with your mind, until you are actually out of the situation. Although you may have left the situation, you can still have this constant guard and defense. You may feel angrier than usual and have mood swings from being happy to sad without warning. You may even think that you are going crazy, however you are not! When you are on constant survival, your body physically is constantly on a survival mode where it stores everything in, however it is not dealing with it. When you finally allow yourself to leave, your body eventually starts to release all that was taken in. This can take a long time before it does that and it is where you start feeling safe again. Therefore all the anger and sadness that was not dealt with, is now coming to surface. It is so confusing, because you would think that finally you are out of this situation to feel happy, yet it is the exact opposite. This is the moment where you have to allow yourself to feel and heal. Understanding that living in a home that is toxic can seriously cause anxiety and depression. When there is mental, verbal and physical abuse it can set your mind , body and soul in an constant survival mode and this is not healthy.
When you are constantly being belittled, shouted, name calling or told that you are not smart, or good enough and physically hurt in any way by your partner, YOU NEED TO GET OUT! There is no scale too how bad it needs to get to consider it abuse, if it is happening it is abuse.
Therefore if it comes to a point that arguments are now shifting to become toxic where there is abuse instead of communication, it is no longer safe and healthy to stay in this kind of relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs and there will always be arguments, however not to the point where you are hurt physically and mentally. Even if they apologize, this is a big red flag. Sorry’s don’t mean nothing to the abuser. This is another tactic they use to get you stay and put up with this nonsense. The reality is as victims , is that our low self esteem and emphatic nature we draw those kind of people to us. We have to become stronger and use their ways to get what we need to get out for good! We have to become self aware and confident. We also have to become wise in their ways and learn to outsmart them. However, there has to be a plan and safety measures have to be taken in consideration. Therefore if you can get help, that would be essential for you to get out of this situation in a safely manner.
You deserve to be happy, loved and appreciated for the true person that you are. No one should ever have the right to change you. This is not love! Be proud of who you are and your strength. This is not a situation to be taken lightly, in fact, it shows how much inner strength and will power you have to survive. You can and deserve to live in an nontoxic home, where you want to come home and feel safe.