What happens when every time there is an argument and you are threatened with break up? What if only you tell yourself that your partner is right, and that you are the problem? How will you ever survive without them? What will I do about my children? What do you do when you cant breath and your heart races after they say it is over? You see your world shatter in a million pieces in front of you only because you needed help. Only because you are tired and feel that they don’t love you. Only because you want them to stop cheating and hurting you. Only because you want them to stop shouting at you and physically hurting you. If only I had not said anything, perhaps this would never have happened. If only I was stronger and smarter, he would see me. He would respect me and I would be desired. However, now I am laying on this bed, with tears in my eyes, feeling so lonely and ashamed. I feel absolutely exhausted and my body is aching. Sometimes I feel that this world would be a better place without me. I cant get anything right and you drift into a sleep, only to have waken up and experience this again and again. How many times in your life are you going to live this over and over again or how many times will you have the chance to do this again before it is too late?
If right now you are reading this and you can relate, please read my story below.
****THIS IS NOT LOVE AND NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT ****
After many times when we would argue, it would always end up with my ex partner threatening that the relationship is over since I could not smarten up or act like a normal human being, he would say. One day because I just could not understand and I was frightened that it would actually happen, I have searched for outside help since I felt that there must be something wrong with me. After numerous months with the therapist, it came to the conclusion that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, however with my ex partner and the way he treated me. After another argument, he would said that seeking outside help cannot be trusted since they will mess with my head and break the family up. That night he told me again that it’s over. Again that hit me like a brick, yet I expected it. His answer is that I was doing this to myself and that it is my fault that it had come to this. I’ve cried for hours, because I was torturing myself with not knowing for sure if it is me or him or was it the abuse, was it even abuse? I mean I am not perfect, yet all I wanted is to be loved and respected. To have a normal life and a family. So what am I doing wrong? This is my big eye opener that day when I would catch him starring at me, watching me cry. Having no money and no place to go, after a long day searching for apartments to rent, nothing worked out. When I returned home, I cried and cried, I honestly felt like giving up. What will I do with my daughter now, I asked myself? Only to have him watch me as if it was pleasing him in some disgusting way to see me suffer. This is the shock when he actually turned to me and said that he did not really mean it and that he does not want me to move out. In that moment I knew, He will do this over and over again. I was filled with anger since he did this to watch me suffer. I knew that moment that it is a big “NO,”there is something really wrong with this. He did not love me. It is control to get me to do what he wants.
The reality of the matter is that abusers will use tactics like break up for example to get you to do what they want.
This is control and it is wrong!
I never thought in twenty years that this was abusive. It is emotional blackmail. I always played on the fact that it was me and that I had to change to please him, that somehow I had to change for our family. It was a big eye opener for me.
If you are experiencing this right now, walk away! If you are doubting yourself, do not! You already know deep down that this is not healthy. You deserve to be treated with love and happiness.